The Land Yacht

For a few years back in the mid-80’s, my budding little family possessed one of the last land yachts to spring forth from Detroit’s automotive harbor. The beast was a 1973 Chevrolet Caprice Classic. It was powered by a by a huge V-8 engine which voraciously devoured gasoline and would propel the monster at highway speeds exceeding the maximum 120mph displayed on the speedometer. Yep, I tested that out (twice).

Automotive History
In 1970, Richard Nixon created, by Executive Fiat, the Environmental Protection Agency, an arm of the Federal Government that would expand to become the largest single non-military branch of the largest government in the history of mankind. They, in turn, helped propagate the gasoline shortage of 1973, one of the greatest mis-information conspiracies to ever be unleashed on the American public.

Fossil fuels, which had been in use for roughly 100 years, suddenly became the nectar of Satan and were found to be the cause of every evil under the Sun, including many diseases and genetic anomalies that had been developing for over three million years. Even worse, that Devilish liquid to which we had all become addicted, was suddenly in short supply and would run out by the end of the twentieth century.

The news media overwhelmed the public with photos of gas station waiting lines but failed to analyze how the shortage could have materialized so quickly and unexpectedly. An entire generation of school kids was indoctrinated on the evils or petrochemicals and man’s destruction of the universe through wasteful greed. Not surprisingly, the price of gasoline more than quadrupled.

Also unsurprisingly, the government rationalized extending its long arm of regulation deep into the automotive industry. No longer would Uncle Sam tolerate those gas-guzzling muscle cars or speed limits deemed too fast for his fragile underlings. Our benevolent chieftains in Washington would strictly regulate industry and even the general public in the interest of “cleaning up the environment”.

What transpired was the death of the American automotive industry, leaving behind the great Midwest rustbelt and the loss of entire cities. Simultaneously, a select group of Middle Eastern families, which had for centuries lived as desert nomads and traveled atop camels, instantly became petrochemical gazillionaires, living in magnificent high-rises and traveling in private jets — possibly the greatest transference of wealth to ever occur. I wonder if any of that excess capital found its way back into the pockets of our nation’s overseers.

Family History
At a time when any vehicle with an engine larger than a lawnmower was looked down upon, my little family inherited “The Beast”, a pea-green Chevrolet monster. It was the opposite of politically correct transportation. On the upside, it boasted lots of leg room and had an air conditioner that could freeze a side of beef on a Texas Summer afternoon.

Perhaps even more important, only weeks before inheriting the Beast my wife was with our two daughters in our Ford Escort — an acceptably small vehicle for the eighties culture — when they experienced front row seats to one of the most horrific auto/pedestrian accidents to ever happen in Garland. Only feet from their place in line at a stop light, a teen driver ran that light, hitting and instantly killing both a crosswalk guard and a third-grade boy. Suddenly, transporting our two children about town in an army tank didn’t feel so far-fetched.

Lots of folks laughed at us for driving the Beast and my oldest daughter still needs professional counseling for the trauma of being dropped off at school in that hideous automotive monstrosity, but nobody ever vandalized it or, to my knowledge, shunned my family for our less than mainstream mode of transportation.

Speed Forward
That brings me to today. I have a couple friends who drive Teslas. Both seem uneasy about the prospects of having their cars destroyed by self-righteous, emotion-driven zealots, willing to commit acts of domestic terrorism against private property based solely on the fact that it was manufactured by a man with whom our political overlords now disagree.

What’s next? Will we begin burning our neighbors Volkswagens because they were originally invented by the Nazi party and their very name means “vehicle of the Arian Nation”? Or, perhaps our Toyotas, Hondas, Nissans, and Mazdas because they come from Japan, a culture that still treats women as sex objects and hates outsiders?

And what about our tennis shoes, 90% of which are made by child laborers in Communist China? Will we experience barefoot protest marches or would that be too uncomfortable?

At some point, we have to take an inventory of ourselves and realize that each of us is every bit as self-serving as those with whom we find fault, even if their primary sin is being more successful than us. And at some point, we just have to buck up and recognize that people have a right to think differently than we do.

Meanwhile, pass me the matches; I’m feeling offended.

A meeting of great minds who think alike